Our Picks: 17 Things Every Women’s Magazine Will Tell You (That You Should Ignore)

Published on The Daily Femme – Monday, Oct. 4, 2010

Contributed by Annamarya

So, OK, I guess my cat’s out of the bag (if it wasn’t already): I get two “women’s magazines” in my mailbox – Marie Claire and Glamour. I’ve been a long time subscriber to Marie Claire because, despite the stereotypical fashion/love/sex stories it publishes, the magazine actually does a great job reporting on issues affecting women across the globe – from poverty to inequality and military issues, something I sincerely appreciate. As forGlamour, well, I just really wanted the free handbag because purses are my fashion weakness. While it doesn’t live up to Marie Claire in terms of mainstream magazines, I sometimes run across well-written stories like October’s piece by Kate Brodoff, “Meet My Two Moms,” to which I wrote aresponse late last month. Nevertheless, these and other women-centric pubs still fall short of really addressing the issues that affect different groups of women today, and have a tendency to give into superficial and mind-blowingly shallow issues like the perfect hair, how to achieve the perfect ass and, you know, land that perfect man. So, when I came across Huffington Post’s list of 17 Things Every Women’s Magazine Will Tell You (That You Should Ignore), courtesy of the BAMFing blog The Frenemy, I just had to spread it around. Because, you know, we can have a mother f’ing cheeseburger once in a while without severe social repercussions. And the best thing about this list isn’t the actual picks (though I would showcase them all if I could) – it’s the descriptions that come with them. Honestly, I couldn’t have commented better myself. Here are my top picks:

1.

“When going out to dinner, you must order grilled chicken with dressing on the side. You may have one bite of dessert and only one. But don’t restrict yourself or anything. Now, here is a 500 calorie cocktail called ‘THE CARRIE.’”

2.

“Know your face shape. Face shapes include: oval, slight oval, circle, and Tyra Banks. This face shape will help you determine the correct sunglasses to buy, haircuts to get, and how many ugly children you might have.”

3.This is a somber photograph of a girl followed by her story about how a terrible, awful thing happened to her. Here is another story about a congresswoman who made it in a man’s world! Here is a 28-year-old with a fashion business! Women don’t get paid as much, and third-world women have it harder, because these are our serious pages! (Followed by raunchy sex tales!)

“This is a somber photograph of a girl followed by her story about how a terrible, awful thing happened to her. Here is another story about a congresswoman who made it in a man’s world! Here is a 28-year-old with a fashion business! Women don’t get paid as much, and third-world women have it harder, because these are our serious pages! (Followed by raunchy sex tales!)”

4.Bikini waxes really hurt, but if you take Advil before hand theyre only as painful as getting hit in the face with an icepick. Not getting a bikini wax? Not an option, Chewbacca.

“Bikini waxes really hurt, but if you take Advil before hand they’re only as painful as getting hit in the face with an icepick. Not getting a bikini wax? Not an option, Chewbacca.”

5.Sending a sexy text to your man will surely get him “fired up” for later tonight. Other ways to get him fired up? Here are 86 sex tips (which are really just variations of a Reverse Cowgirl, something that you need a pillow to prop you up on, or an impossible angle that promises to hit your G-spot.)

“Sending a sexy text to your man will surely get him “fired up” for later tonight. Other ways to get him fired up? Here are 86 sex tips (which are really just variations of a Reverse Cowgirl, something that you need a pillow to prop you up on, or an impossible angle that promises to hit your G-spot.)”

6.Reason #346 you should be on the pill has nothing to do with the fact that you might have unprotected sex. A lady never has unprotected sex. However, the adjacent advertisement is for Plan B.

“Reason #346 you should be on the pill has nothing to do with the fact that you might have unprotected sex. A lady never has unprotected sex. However, the adjacent advertisement is for Plan B.”

7.A great place to meet men is at sports bar. A great place to meet men is in the park. Be confidant. Don’t ask men out. Don’t be afraid to approach men. Be coy. Wear heels. Don’t be overly sexy. Bring girlfriends with you. Don’t bring too many girlfriends with you. A great conversation starter is ____. Be yourself. Here are smoky eye tips. What are lesbians?

“A great place to meet men is at sports bar. A great place to meet men is in the park. Be confidant. Don’t ask men out. Don’t be afraid to approach men. Be coy. Wear heels. Don’t be overly sexy. Bring girlfriends with you. Don’t bring too many girlfriends with you. A great conversation starter is ____. Be yourself. Here are smoky eye tips. What are lesbians?”

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